Posted on November 17th, 2006 at 12:41 am by tt
22:45, Nov 16
I don’t feel too good. Really not so good. It’s not got to do with the stuffy nose I got…whatever it is – cold, pinas, flu, AIDS… it’s got the symptoms of all of them. I don’t know what it is. I just don’t feel very good. Not good at all.
How do I put it? I don’t exactly feel bad. Just whatever I feel is not what I want to feel like. That whole not-comfy I don’t wanna be here feeling.
I feel lost. Like a loser. Useless. Hopeless. Completely without hope. Nah that doesn’t sound funny. I checked the WordWeb for synonyms for hopeless to do the whole repeat the meaning of a word routine. You say the synonyms of a word again and again and it usually sounds funny. In all times except this.
I feel like this and I have to try and find a funny angle for it so that I can derail from my whole crying over myself thing. I mean it’s probably the closest to serious I will get and I have to try getting unserious. What’s wrong with me?
One of the synonyms that came up was bleak. Yea! That’s it that’s exactly how I fell right now. Bleak. Very bleak indeed. Definitely positively very bleak. There I go again. I bet the dead guy of the Monty Python group is turning in his grave becoming a ghost to haunt me for copying his stuff over there. No sir. I did not. I had not heard of your Dead Parrot routine when I first tried it and I did the same definitely-unquestionably-without doubt thing. Maybe I was inspired by Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind (do you believe I had to check Wikipedia for the name. I am losing my mind). You remember that whole “Terrified. Mortified. Petrified. Stupefied.” thing?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Why do I have to keep doing this? Why can’t I just be serious… why can’t I just be miserable.
I feel badly miserable now.
Watching Desire:Table for Three and trying to type this. Both are distracting each other. And I don’t feel as miserable as I did some moments ago.
It’s a little less yes. Before this I was right here staring at everything in front of me which amounts to nothing. Nothing at all. Just blank! That’s how I feel that’s how my mind is going. That’s how everything is going.
Before this I was actually watching Jeniffer Garner dancing to Thriller in 13 Going on 30. Write now watching Seinfeld’s The Cadillac, Part 1 episode. And feeling a lot better.
But man was I feeling down? Really down. Someone’s birthday is two days away and it got me thinking about that person and I am really pissed by this person. No it’s not Monika, her went by less than a month ago. Anyway thinking about that person made me really angry and mad and down and discarded and used but now useless. Totally useless.
I was craving for a cigi, badly craving. But I got a stub from the ashes of this afternoon and although it is not said to be very healthy to relight a stubbed out cigi but hey smoking isn’t healthy in the first place so whatever….
Now that I am feeling much better I think I will end this one. But mark my words an hour or so ago was one of those moments when I came very close to ending it all. Real bad. It was one of those moments when I was afraid that I would be the character that I wrote about around nine years ago. But that’s another story. Which should be coming up soon. Cuz I have been thinking it down for some days now. Cyaz mytes!
Cheers!!
00:40, Nov 17, 2006
PS: Just lighted another stubbed out cigi and it lasted like two puffs. Seriously, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????
PS2: the last ones did not show. So posting it again two hours later.
01:13, nov 17
02:31, Nov 17
10:58, Nov 19
For long you live and high you fly
And smiles you’ll give and tears you’ll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be
-Breathe, Pink Floyd
Dark Side of the Moon (1973)
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I guess Life is not fair after all…we r social beings…we indeed need our frens N families…but when u have so many people to please around…damn…some people get into really BIG mess……anyways…Sathi ,u are not the only one in this ford…but we have to wake up and move on coz I have read somewhere…”The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails…” Its your wish where u will put yourself !!!!
Swoks
Comment by Swoks — November 21, 2006 @ 12:38 am