I cried today. Well sort of. It was just a micromininano second of ‘crying’. There were tears in my eyes a little time before that because of this movie on HBO. It was just a very short thing….the ‘crying’. I don’t even remember if there was a sob. Just a micromininanopico second. I just ‘swelled up’. There was this incredible burst of emotions. The movie was over. The credits were over. I just sat there staring… at nothing. Then it happened. It just grabbed me. Like they say a big explosion lifts up a body into the air and throws it way high before ‘gravity takes over’, or rather the force loses its force.
This was like an implosion. My organs just felt like it was being squeezed form all around. The force was crushing me. Then it went to my head… the force. Blankness continued. Then suddenly I felt like I was actually gonna cry. My life zapped through. The recent past part of my life. Well parts of the recent past of my life. It was not actually anything. It was nothing. It wasn’t the events that zapped past. It was just like an accumulation of all the emotions of the events squeezed into one small particle. Zap. And I felt like I was gonna have that big breakdown that I’d been waiting for. I prepared for all the flow of tears and sobs and everything.

I was getting ready for it all. It looked like my whole life’s disappointments was about to be squeezed and juiced out from my eyes. They were like filled with tears. Then the big force hit. Bang. And it was gone. For a tiny winy period of time the whole weight of the world was upon me. And then it was gone. The force lost its force. But it had just been of such magnitude.

And suddenly I felt free. That’s what crying is supposed to do no? Wash out all the pain and the bad things and leave the good things. And man did it clean things up! I was totally free of all my life’s bad things for a moment after that. I felt empty. I mean good empty. Emptiness is something that usually haunts me. It’s like an aura kind of thingy. Emptiness is the force that surrounds me. But this was a different emptiness. Cuz it made me feel .. err… light.

Not that I don’t like the other emptiness. I feed on the emptiness.

It all started from this beautiful lil solo from a Keanu Reaves movie. It was so beautiful. “It moved me to tears.” I just checked wikipedia and it says the movie’s called Permanent Record. The thing was so beautiful. The solo peace I mean. Well the movie was great too. The parts that I got to see. The last quarter. And it chucked out the suicide story I had been writing in my head out the window. The bits of the story that I never wrote and never probably will. Woosssh.

But man it felt good. The bit of crying. I’m still suffering some of the after effects. The small bit of ‘euphoria’. Serotonins n other hormones going straight to my head and leaving behind bits of the radioactivity.

Amazing. All I could cry and it wasn’t much. It was really nothing really. But it was everything. Amazing how everything got squeezed into an iota and it was enough. Enough for me. For now. Phooo.

Now the song, the solo was great. In the movie Lauren (Jennifer Rubin) sings it. I forgot waht the credits said, so I checked imdb and it says it was song by Shea Adamson, so if any of you know where to find the solo, in youtube or places pleas do tell me. Like if anyone is reading this pathetic shyt.

Your friends may lie
The truth can come from strangers
If I knew why,
We wouldn’t be in this danger
Leaning out the window of my car
And wishing on another lucky star.
Life is long
It is not made to measure
You will go on
The same in pain and pleasure
Wondering how we ever got this far…
And wishing on another lucky star.

Life goes on
As sure as the sky
It’s come and gone
In the wink of an eye
You leave your home
In the wings of the night
You will never die.

The world is cold
The heart gets torn and tattered
The one you hold

It can be dropped and shattered
Leaning out the window of my car
And wishing on another lucky star.

-Wishing on another lucky star
Permanent Record, 1988

Saw it again and it still makes me wanna cry…

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